just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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