She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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