My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize