I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize