I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
