I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
