I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
