My liver just broke up with me...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
