They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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