that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
