woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
