I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
