yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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