We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
