I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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