After last night, I could never be a politician.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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