god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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