Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
