You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
