Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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