I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
