Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
