My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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