im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
