I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
