What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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