ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
