Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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