I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
