I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
