GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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