man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize