I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
