I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
