Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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