i can't believe i had my finger in that
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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