I wish my penis had an off switch
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
