I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
