Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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