Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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