Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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