So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
