i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize