He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
