Soap is not a condiment
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
