nut hugger
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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