I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
