You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My dick has a subreddit
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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