You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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