Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
