He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
