none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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