Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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