hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
